're like me , this Sunday you will attend a Super Bowl party where you are faced with two distinct choices: 1) Pay attention to America's Other Favorite Past-time, "foot"-ball (the first is shopping!); chat with the guys about all the home runs they're throwing; and toss that ol' hogskin around the backyard. 2) Watch the commercials with all the other "foot"-ball neophytes, which is equally ridiculous. Commercials are entertainment? What? Maybe afterwards we can go to a museum and look at Sunday sales circulars! So in recent years, I've opted for a third choice: gorge myself like silly ? there went that "Tight End!" ? put on headphones and do my best to ignore as much of the proceedings as possible. (I spent 1997's Super Bowl party in the bathroom after my Discman's batteries died ? thank God for the iPod!) As a result, I've become quite the expert at faking my way through Super Bowl Sunday with a special playlist and little-known sports factoids. PREGAME The Pixies, "Here Comes Your Man" The first thing to know about the Super Bowl: who's bringing the burgers? LOL. Seriously though, you need to know who is playing the game. This year it's the New England Patriots who have never lost a game since football was invented, and the New York Giants who have the cuter Manning brother (see I know some stuff!). And so in honor of the Patriots we have the Boston band the Pixies doing "Here Comes Your Man." I have a dance planned for this one. Do the Patriots need an extra cheerleader? LOL. Art Garfunkel , "Crying in the Rain" But you can't be too one-sided! You never know which team's uniforms you are going to like more, so you can't play favorites. So in honor of that famous New York City toughness and determination, we have to pick Art Garfunkel, whose no-holds-barred collaboration with James Taylor on "Crying in the Rain" really expresses what football is all about: being man enough to cry in the rain. Or score touch downs. They're both kinda the same thing. Lee Greenwood, "God Bless the USA" By this point that guy from the Ace Hardware commercials is probably done blabbing and so it's time for the national anthem. Boooo-ring! Seriously, if you aren't Whitney Houston in 1991, why even try? I've always liked "God Bless the USA" much more, so I listen to that instead. Holla! FIRST HALF Dios Malos , "Starting Five" Okay, you got me! This one is only "foot"-ball related in the title, but I'm so sick of hearing everyone debating during the game: "Who has the better starting five is it the Yankees or the Celtics or the 59rs or blah blah blah blah." Who cares! And so this song, so awesome and sweet and just soooo California, is my own gorgeous little protest. Also "dios" means days. Did you know that? It's Espanol! American Football, "I'll See You When We're Both Not So Emotional" American Football is a group formed by star quarterback-turned actor Joe Mantegna after poor night vision forced a premature departure from the game. Bummer! He didn't do it alone, though; that galloping bass you hear? That's legendary Pelicans running man Terry Bradshaw. Who's wielding that mighty axe? None other than Peyton Manning (and let's put a little extra emphasis on "Man"). And he used to bang pigskin, but now he bangs drumskins: let's give it up for Vince Lobotomy! HALFTIME IS GAMETIME Kutiman , "Music Is Ruling My Life" Yeah! As the awesome flick Drumline says: "halftime IS gametime," and so it's time to bust out the biggest gun of them all: "Music Is Ruling My Life," which kinda sounds like Amy Wine-O (LOL) only it's some Israeli dude and Israeli chick and they are awesome. Seriously, this is the best song ever! It's the Super Bowl of music! Oh, and factoid alert! One of my favorite rappers ever used to be a "foot"-ball player: that's right, of course I'm talking about Deion Sanders. So obvious! Black Heart Procession, "You Got Lucky" While Tom (NOT VERY) P(R)etty is crowing away about "oppression" or "the radio" or "the free falling" on an enormous stage, you can be enjoying a little stage I like to call "the stage of transcendence." San Diego's gloomy Black Hearts (not to be confused with last year's Super Bowl victors of the same name) , treat this song right, pushing it into the "great wide open" like a couple of "refugee"s "running down a dream." I guess you could say we all "got lucky" with this one! SECOND HALF Pavement, "Major Leagues" Taken from what most people regard as their best record is Stevie Malkmus & Co's touching tribute to Major League Football. But wait! Why does Stevie sound so glum? Maybe because he's hot and we don't know each other ? yet! Really, though, Steve is a big sports fan ? for realsies ? and so that's where I'll be for next year's big contest. I've got the plastic-tipped cigars, Mr. Pavement. Do you have smooches? The Walkmen, "The Rat" This has kinda become the sports song, which is awesome! Maybe I do like sports after all! They always use this when they're transitioning into commercials , and it's totally cool because it's such a pump-you-up kinda song. I can't even kid about this one! I think this is the part of the game where they have the horses come out on the field? Or was that earlier? Did I miss that!?!?! POST-GAME CELEBRATING The Decemberists, "The Sporting Life" Oh indie rockers! So cute when you suck at sports. This song by Colin Meloy ? who I've heard plays a mean four square! ? is for all of you. And, if my instinct is correct, both Ronald Moss and Michael Vick! "The Sporting Life" is about a kid who plays "foot"-ball in high school and who is terrible and gets all sad about it. Don't cry cute jock boy! By the way does anyone else remember how cute James Vanderbeek was in Varsity Blues? Put me in that game, coach! Hahaha. Enjoy your Super Bowl everybody! (Editor's Note: For the millions of us who do watch football, enjoy the game! Here's our prediction: neither defense will do much (the